Apologetics is an interesting phenomenon.
It is a needed and useful discipline but it's overused, improperly used and mostly used in an extremely uncharitable manner. For the most part apologetics does damage to the Body of Christ. Apologetics are like civil war camp followers, perhaps a necesary evil and maybe we can't do without them. I'm sure you've met Catholic apologetics that are simply offensive.
For that reason I don’t want to be “apologetic.” I don’t consider it a complimentary term. I hope not to be apologetic in that way. Instead, I hope to be a blessed peacemaker in the words of Jesus. I hope to be a channel of His love, as St. Francis explained.
Second, growing up as a child I heard all of the great martyr stories. These are exciting for any young boy, full of adventure, drama, religious zeal and sacrifice. As a kid, I couldn’t think of a better way to get to heaven than to be a martyr. OK, I suspected that I certainly wouldn’t get there on good behavior, especially if I need my sisters as character witnesses. My boyhood parish was American Martyrs Catholic Church and they had marble statues of the North American Martyrs, brave Jesuits who came from France to convert the Indians. The Indians were not always grateful for the conversion efforts and they were hideously tortured and died gruesome painful deaths. In the memory of Fathers Jacques Brebeauf, Isaac Jouges and all the other American Martyrs I resolved to never deny my faith, never be ashamed of it and defend it hopefully to the point of death one day.
I never had much of a chance to be a martyr. It seems to have gone out of fashion in the U.S. nowadays. Still there were minor opportunities: I walked about a mile each way (actually 10 miles, uphill both ways, through 3 feet of snow, as I tell my children) to my parochial school. The short route took me past the local public middle school, and in my white button down shirt and salt and pepper corduroy pants, I was “marked” as a mackerel snapper. Usually I just endured about 10 minutes of insults as I walked the length of the school. The aspiring martyr in me would not allow me to take a long path to avoid the school and insults. But about two or three times in 7th and 8th grade, I had to physically fight through the gauntlet. Since blood showed up well on the white shirt, I couldn’t avoid the interrogations at home. I consoled myself that at least I didn’t have my fingers chopped off with dull hatchets like St. Isaac Jouges.
I’ve never hidden my Catholic faith. There’s about 20 people in my office and all know I am a devout Catholic. I talk about Advent, eat fish on Fridays during Lent, mention the local Catholic Worker house down the street from our office, announce my kids' attendance at parochial schools and pretty much quietly wear my faith on my sleeve. I don’t know if I do service to the Church by doing that since I still lie, cheat and gossip, lose my temper and frequently act uncharitably and in an un-Christian manner. In spite of my shortcomings, nobody since 8th grade in my presence had ever spoke ill of the Church and I have not had to defend my Faith with fists or words.
That changed in 2002 when the clergy sex abuse was at its peak. Several co-workers, friends, neighbors and acquaintances frequently condemned the church in harsh extreme language, challenging me to say something. Adding to that, the two priests I was closest to were relieved from ministry within two months of each other. I secretly agreed with my co-workers, friends and neighbors and even apologized to some for being Catholic. Some martyr I turned out to be! I discovered it’s easy to die for something greater than yourself that you believe in with all your heart and soul. It’s nearly impossible to even make an excuse for a corrupt organization that you are ashamed to be a member of.
Of course that’s an explosive situation that couldn’t last. How could I remain a Catholic in such a state? The horrific extent of the clergy sex abuse crisis is inexcusable and the “institution” is deeply corrupt and criminally mismanaged. Words truly fail. Many rosaries later, many studies of the encyclicals and readings of Church historians and philosophers led me (back) to the realization that the “Church” is all of us. Just as I am a sinner, that physical manifestation of the Church is also defective as it rests on all of our human and sinful shoulders. In particular, when I am in these moods Catholic aplogetics are offensive to me.
But the “bride of Christ” is a different matter and much bigger than the “institutional Church”. She calls me. I can’t rationalize it or explain it satisfactorily in any way. Words fail me again. She will surely never canonize me and I failed my opportunity even as a figurative martyr, but I won’t apologize for being a member of an admittedly imperfect institution. I am an unapologetic Catholic as I stumble into grace.
Peace UC!
Welcome to the neighborhood.
Posted by: Todd | October 22, 2004 at 09:58 AM
Thank you for your last paragrath from the text above. I especially will remember the line, "As I stumble into grace".
Thanks again,
John DeGuzman, IHM
Posted by: John DeGuzman | January 15, 2005 at 02:26 PM