Vaya con Dios

Today is the anniversary of my wife’s death.  She died in a freak accident that still leaves me puzzled years later.  This time of year always lays heavy on my heart but a few blog posts from different directions hit me.  Flos Carmelli, in particular had a very interesting series of posts, (The comments and responses are also very enlightening.)

Because of my wife’s death this subject is of more than academic interest to me.  I hope she is among those who have been saved. I am not sure I am in the top half of worthy humans so I certainly home “multitudes” are saved. I also believe there are evil people who have rejected God.  That exhausts the limits of my knowledge on this subject.

The other subject that I had to face was the role of chance, contingency, and perhaps luck in our lives.  My wife died at age 39, in the presence of her 12, 10 and 3 year old sons. She suffocated when a piece of camping equipment landed on her.  The “zone of danger” was very small, approximately 3 feet square.  The hazard existed only for about 5 seconds and you had to face a particular way to get a fatal result.  My wife had to get up from her position and move into the danger zone within a few seconds for all of it to happen the way t did.  Although my sons were the first aid response, their efforts were unsuccessful.

I was away on a business strip and had arrived earlier that evening, the Wednesday before Easter.  She and the boys were on a short camping trip, to arrive Holy Thursday afternoon.  As a family we would observe Good Friday, and celebrate Easter with our combined extended families.  The accident happened at 2:30 a.m on Holy Thursday.  Easter did not happen that year.

The cascade of events leading up to her death was so precise, it could not have been planned any better.  I realized that “Why?” was not a question with any meaningful answer.  I did decide a few things.  God did not “intend” (in the same way we humans intend) for my wife to die.  A series of random contingent events happened, as they happen every day.  God does not intend for three young boys to watch their mothers suffocate.  That leaves us with a mystery.  God has the power to intervene, but does not, whether it’s mothers suffocating or passenrsers on American Flight 11.

I concluded from that, and from listening to other stories when I later joined the bereavement ministry, that God’s consistent failure to work miracles to save lives is somehow related to the concept of free will.  I can’t get any closer than that.

Interestingly, in our bereavement ministry classes we collect the top ten stupid things people say to those who are grieving for a lost loved one.  Number one on the list—by far:

“It’s God’s will.” 

Number 2: “I know exactly how you feel.”  Number 3, for people like me, “You’re lucky you’re still young, you’ll find somebody fast.” My own personal favorite was “My dog died lat week, I know just how you feel.”  Told to my 3 year old son: “God needed another mother in heaven to watch over all the babies that died.”  My son replied simply, “I need my mom, He can go find another one.” 

All of these people mean well, but the comments all display a belief that somehow God plays some form of cosmic chess game with humans as pieces.  I don’t think this is true.  I am not sure of God’s plan for us. I do not know why thing happen the way they do and how God works in our lives.  I am very suspicious of those people who claim that they do know.   I do not believe that God works miracles (defined as departures form the laws of nature) very often and perhaps only a handful have occurred in the last 1900 years.  I think He very seldom interferes in human events.  I know He cares for us, but He cares in ways that we cannot comprehend and it is unfair of us to think He will intervene miraculously in our lives.

I do believe in the power of the Eucharist, a miracle that occurs daily.  I believe that God speaks to me in the silence of the Blessed Sacrament chapel. 

My next post will discuss the role that our priests play when we are dealing with the loss of our loved ones.

Comments

[Roy]

Thank you for your post. Thank you for sharing your life.

[Enbrethiliel]

+JMJ+

This is a beautiful post. Thank you.

[Elena]

The only thing that has ever comforted me at the loss of a loved one, was the reminder that we will all meet together in the next world. If I didn't believe in that, I don't know how I would have gone on sometimes. I do not know how people with out a faith in everlastin life get through grief.

I am sorry for the loss of your wife.

[Noreen]

Thanks for sharing your story. It is very moving and the comments are familiar. I pray that you and your sons find the Peace the World Cannot Give in Jesus. That is the only solace that I know of. Not that it makes the "worldly" any easier. God bless you.

[Unapolgetic Catholic]

I agree with Elena. I did ask the priest the day after to convince me again of life after death, as if that could be done analytically. I wanted to feel that I would see her again, even if that meeting was a few decades away. As long as I knew the separation was not permanent, I could begin to "do the time." The prirest, of course, laughed at me, and said he would not try to convince me. He simply told me he could not do his *own* job unless he belived that with his whole heart and soul, and he intended to do his *own* job thorugh my wife's funeral. That was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

I'm sorry the comments seem so similar to Noreen. I warn people who have recently lost a loved one that weird comments will be made. These are not made out of maliciousness, but often reveal a person's own insecurities or simple speechlessness in facing another person's devastating loss.

I do not know the details of how people will be united after death. I need to focus on my own salvation in the time I have left and work towards the salvation of others who I love.

[Enlightenment]

First let me offer my condolences. Second I will answer your "Why does God allow ____?" question. The answer is simple. Because if He intervened to prevent every tornado from hitting every trailer park we would all just be God's puppet show, not beings with free will. As cold as it sounds, humanity is better off with God NOT intervening to prevent every tragedy, because if He did it would be at the cost of our own humanity. The book "A Clockwork Orange" by Anthony Burgess explores a similar train of thought, asking the question "Are we better off as humans that can decide on our own whether to do right or wrong, knowing that most will choose to do wrong? Or would it be better if we were all "programmed" to do good and to never sin?" The answer is of course that we are better off being humans with all the warts rather than being basically robots, but it is a very profound question he asks.

[Enlightenment]

And I meant no disrespect or coldness whatsoever in the above post, just trying to answer a question that a lot of people have (and that I myself had at one time) and I think the answer is like I said, that we on earth are basically left to our own devices so to speak. Of course this doesn't make any loss easier to take, but it at least appears to make more sense of it. Again, my condolences regarding your tragedy.